TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical growth-slash-luxury housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are talking Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for ancient culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be tremendous. Remarkable!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Several of the best. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely outside of area. Designed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable water. But Of course, absolutely sure, let us have another spot the place American Males can don robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though earlier negotiations unsuccessful beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: supply everyone a collection to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is soft ability," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a tower in a very war zone. It is that he must stop working with it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the task, replied, "You are aware of, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic folks. Terrific tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the resort's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head noticeable from Area, a feature being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as chin is… perfectly, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after locating the developing's gold plating mirrored much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It is really not only unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Puzzling Capabilities


Probably the strangest factor from the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where friends may possibly contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with local weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Approach: "Should you Bomb It, They are going to Occur"


The ad campaign, not long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is For good."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "wherever's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is presently attracting interest from international traders, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll buy 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage may also contain:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area According to the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait around to see a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge wherever my PTSD might have flip-down service."


An additional put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reviews advise:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Final Thoughts from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It wanted gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped much like the Constitution. I gave it all a few. You happen to be welcome."

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